I hereby vow to stop saying “my life is a shambles”

Ever the dramatic, I struggle to respond to ‘so, how’s life?’ with little more than a shrug and the less than reassuring ‘well, I’m still alive, aren’t I?’ Navigating adulthood is (sorry, Mum) bloody hard. Between choosing a career, maintaining relationships, budgeting so you can eat more than potatoes sprouting new life form for lunch every day (work colleagues, DO NOT expose me here) and finding time in between all that to actually enjoy yourself makes me wonder how anyone manages to keep their head above water. I feel like I’m constantly trying to better myself, whilst somehow nailing self-sabotage by worrying if I’m doing enough. It’s a bizarre limbo I think us 20-somethings can relate to and I’m over beating myself up about it.

After reading an article about the transition from university into the big, bad world and how millennials are finding it increasingly difficult to navigate the complexities of adulthood, I had a think about where my Mum was at 24. University in the bag, first teaching job secured, future husband *almost* met – she was kinda crushing it. And then there’s me: sat in bed STILL hungover from the night before, chocolate down my front from the feeble attempt at self-pity brownie baking I did this morning, more single than Coco Chanel herself (these may well be linked) and already thinking about sacking off my gym alarm tomorrow morning before I’ve even set it. I’m certainly not what you might consider composed today, nor most days, but should I feel as guilty as I do about it? Probably not.

Moving to London almost straight away after graduating was really scary. Not gunna lie, I definitely have moments - particularly when friends remind me of their rent-free existence - that I consider moving back to the Shire and taking a job that’s a 10-mile round trip away. I’d be able to save, I wouldn’t consider Heinz ketchup a luxury and I certainly wouldn’t have just substituted washing powder for fairy liquid because I forgot to get some from the shop today. BUT WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT? It’s pricey, it’s sometimes a little lonely, and it’s certainly less tidy than Jane’s pad, but it’s been a fundamental stepping stone in me securing a job I love and, for the most part, successfully ‘adulting’.

I think my main problem is that I worry I’ll never truly feel settled. A sucker for routine, if things go a little off-piste, it’s like I might as well tap out of life altogether. DID I REALLY GET THAT DRUNK…AGAIN?! AM I REALLY GOING TO KEEP PAYING THIS MUCH RENT?! IS THIS REALLY THE WORK I SHOULD BE DOING?! HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE THIS LOOK SO EASY?! I’m a nightmare. Forgetting to get my washing out the machine becomes an all-consuming catastrophe - some people my age don’t even know how to switch a washing machine on and here I am, mentally drafting an apology note to my mother titled 'sorry I'm a failure' if I forget to buy bin bags. Stumbling through life is hard enough without torturing yourself every time you mishandle a situation.

Let’s get real for a second: I’ve cried twice today; both at episodes of Modern Family (a supposed comedy sitcom). My diet has been 98% chocolate and I haven’t brushed my hair. My lunch certainly isn’t packed for tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I’ll still be feeling the dregs of this hangover at my desk. But here’s the deal: I work, I have friends, I *try* to be healthy, I have a roof over my head and I like to think I treat people around me courteously. I’m 23, not 53; I’m not supposed to have it all figured out just yet. Learning to cut myself some slack is turning out to be even harder than AS Maths, but do you know what? I think I’m doing alright.