7 times Katy Perry lyrics were the absolute worst

13 year old me enjoyed nothing more than ramping up the volume on Katy Perry’s 'Teenage Dream' album and gossiping with the girls about which high school heartthrob I caught playing ‘arches’ at the weekend. However, it’s become increasingly obvious to me that KP and her lyrics should have remained as deafening drivel to my ears because the reality is even more painful than the artistic ‘licensing’ she so boldly claims. (Disclaimer: Katy Perry, I know you’re reading; no hard feelings).

1.) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? (Firework, 2010) – No Katy, I don’t. Nor have I ever felt paper-thin or like a house of cards. Your choice of inanimate objects as similes are bizarre and cryptic and frankly, a little therapy might go a long way.

2.) When I’m with him I am thinking of you (Thinking of you, 2008) – Well there’s a kick to the balls if I ever heard one. Unless your latest lover is holding you against your will (please ring emergency services), a little thing called free-will tends to exist. Stop doing the poor bloke a favour and let him be with someone who isn’t fantasizing about their ex while he's picking out baby names.

3.) Warrant's out for my arrest (Last Friday Night, 2010) – By the looks of the video, KP is a high school nerd who throws the party of the century. In that case, quit disturbing the neighbourhood on a weekly basis, draining community resources and generally letting Rebecca Black lead you astray.

4.) You're 'bout as cute as an old coupon expired (Swish Swish, 2017) – you’re not wrong Katy - I can’t say I’ve ever considered an old coupon to be ‘cute’, but nor have I considered a ‘new’ one to be that aesthetically pleasing either. Again with the inanimate objects, enough.

5.) The entirety of ‘Ur So Gay’ (2008) – How this song is allowed to exist I’ll never know. Between ‘ur so gay and you don’t even like boys’ and ‘I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf’ there are enough slurs to take down anyone’s career and she hadn’t even started hers. Homophobia, weight-shaming, death threats? You name it, this song has it.

6.) Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? (Peacock, 2010) – This one's for you, boys! Just in case you missed the memo: if you’re unwilling to drop your pants and give ol’ KP an eyeful, you’re lacking in the courage department. Not creepy, at all. If that wasn't enough, the excessive 34 times she repeats the word 'cock' should be enough for me to win you over with this one.

7.) She eat your heart out, like Jeffrey Dahmer (Dark Horse, 2013) – My definitive list wouldn’t be complete without this personal favourite. Mr. J. Dahmer was in fact an American serial killer and sex offender at large between 1978 and 1991, who ‘committed the rape, murder, and dismemberment of 17 men and boys.’ BUT if a 13 year, abhorrent homicide case can help you write a number 1 single, then why not extort the horror for all its worth ey?

I'm sure it won't be long before Miss Perry churns out another single for us to all convincingly pretend we understand the connotations behind. Watch this space; maybe she'll come to me for advice!